Sunday, December 24, 2006

An Ode to Christmas (shopping season)

Tomorrow, at approximately 6 A.M . (6:30, perhaps, but if it's 7, then you're really pushing it), Christmas shopping season will end. Oh, to which aspects of life, accepted into daily life, will we bid farewell?

Let me say goodbye to...

...The endless traffic. Tucson, Arizona is quite the popular spot for snowbirds. So, not only are the streets - all of which are a lane or two too skinny - packed with the locals, but all the idiot drivers from the Midwest and the East are clogging our roads.

...The lines. Oh, joy. There's nothing like going out to breakfast, seeing a line going out the door, and discovering that the waiting time is half an hour. This is besides the lines in the stores, which are longer than the distance between San Deigo and Los Angeles. Again, this is the fault of the snowbirds - especially the old people. The old people really come out of the woodwork when Father Christmas rears his bearded head. Why don't I just say good bye to them? Yes, I shall.

...The old people. You don't know how to drive, you occupy all our restaurants, and the only thing you're good for is pumping cash into our winter tourist destinations until the Gem Show comes to town and really show us the money. Please, buy your grandchildren gifts in our town, but for God's sake don't go outside to do it.

...The transportation department. Honestly, you are the most retarded people to ever walk the face of the Earth, and you all work for the city of Tucson. The traffic lights are badly synchronized, and you obviously have no idea how to handle the high influx of tourists that arrive annually but nevertheless manage to befuddle you every single time.

...The War on Christmas. Bill O'Reilly spared us this year by barely mentioning it (Maybe Billo realized that he'd look more intelligent if he didn't get so angry over such an inconsequential item), but that didn't stop a number of newspaper articles that debated the ultimate fight - Happy Holidays vs. Marry Christmas. Honestly, I'd rather study a fight like Mr. T vs. Chocolate Chip Cookies.

...Christmas stores. Not that they concerned me - They capture my interest just as much as the Halloween stores do. (Try to guess how much that is!)

...Pie. Come tomorrow, all the pies will be gone from stores and bakeries everywhere. Of course, all the pie will come back on Boxing Day, but as we say goodbye to Christmas shopping season, we say goodbye to pie reservations.

...Christmas muzak. I don't care about Nat King Cole or Bing Crosby or Gallagher or whoever sings those Christmas songs. Frankly, as long as the lyrics don't say, "Accept Jesus or burn in Hell," I'm not very concerned.

...Christmas specials on The History Channel. Who cares?

...Doorbusters and whatnot. Congratulations, retail of America, for waking up many of our country's citizens at four or five in the morning to get 90% off deals, or something like that.

...PS3 shortages. This doesn't have much to do with Christmas, however. Many people now believe that the PS3 has reached market saturation. I think it's a bit too early to tell for sure, and I'm sure we'll see PS3 enthusiasts who were trying to avoid the long holiday lines coming out and buying those big black beauties.

...Mall Santas. This is the only time of the year when we've needed them.

...Christmas shopping season. You know, I thought it traditionally started the day after Thanksgiving, but this year I saw Christmas ads popping up as early as Halloween. Does it really take you two months to shop for gifts for your friends and family?

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